Ramblings of a slimming mummy!: Where to start.......

Evening everyone! I'm back!

Well, like the title of tonight's post says............really, where do i start?!!

This week has been a challenge, a real challenge, but i have taken it, and i have embraced it, and if i do put on this Monday, at least i know i gave this week the best shot i could have!

I have rocked this week, on my food choices, and my meals have been lovely and varied, I've even managed to have a lovely KK doughnut fitted in to plan, which is always lovely!

These times were the times I'd consider the up times, the times where i am perfectly happy, not a care in the world and the only thing which would be in my way would be poor planning, which as well all know, i have my food set out to military standard lol.

I've had some lovely meals, fish stew with pasta, salads, spag bol, tonight was steak and chips, lots of lovely fruit salads, I've really worked at it this week!

And now on to the deep part of tonight's post...........this week, i have had the urge to binge, now.....I'm aware not everyone is familiar with the concept of a binge so now, i will try and explain them from my view!

Binges, well they are a double edged sword..........
On one side, they are full of the lusty promise that they will make you feel amazing, it will physically get to the stage where all you can think about is the food you need, and it seems to run in phases, for instance, in school it was crisps and chocolate, and coke cola. then a few years on in college it was squares, the crisps, and weirdly, cheesy mash with chicken and peas was always a favourite too! Then in my working life when times were hard it would be a whole chocolate cake with litres of full fat coke, and you have no idea how bad i feel writing this down when i remember how many times i have done this! Like i have said before I've been an emotional eater since 15.

i have a physical feeling when i start these binges, like it awakens all of my taste buds, and that food, is the only food i can imagine wanting in that very moment, i'd almost compare it to a pregnancy craving kinda feeling!

It was always something very specific, like an old friend if you will, something i could rely on, it would never be busy, or let me down last minute, it never left!!

Then the other side of the sword..................which would come about 30 mins (yes that soon, sometimes even sooner!) the guilt, the disgust, the disappointment, the feeling of gluttony the feeling that what i had just done wasn't normal it was horrible and that in fact after the initial buzz i felt fat and gross, and had an even worse image of my self!

you see the food i chose, made me feel happy, secure, protected and i think the fact i had phases of the same foods made me associate it would being in my happy place, a place that was familiar.It was a time where i had a very low self esteem and very low opinion of my self.

So, with the help of some very good friends and a very supportive hubby who makes awesome s/w cakes!! i avoided a binge this week, and I've never been so proud :) I'd like to take all the credit, but i can't as i REALLY REALLY wanted to binge, i was in that zone, and it was all i could think about, but they stopped me, and for that i feel so lucky!

This week has made me realise how far i have come in the 15 years i have been doing this to my self, it has made me realise that i really have managed to sort out some of my esteem issues, and that these days i really do have people who love and want to support me through out the whole of this hard, but very rewarding journey :))

phew, i think, that's blog post over :))

Thanx for reading :)
Love and Syn free chocolate sprinkles
Tracey xxx